A million twinkling lights

There are a millions twinkling lights, and a thousand beating hearts, and a hundred glowng spirits. And yet we all are in hiding. WE hide behind ourselves, our own problems, our beautiful buildings, our psycology. Why can't we see what is staring us right in the face? Why do we not care? Why do we ignore the cries of the oppressed? Why do we trample upon the faces of those starving, those in slavary, those in poverty. Do we even know what it is like to live for something, let alone DIE for something? We will work for things.. yes. We will work for a better house, a nicer car, and a nicer sofa set to put in our house. And yet I am so much a part of it. I like nice things, and nice clothes, and buying CD's. Not that those are bad things. But how, HOW can I do those things when innocent children die EVERY DAY from preventable causes? I disgust myself. I am so ashamed to call myself a follower of Jesus. Jesus would not be living as I am... no...

Theology and Thumbprints

Nearly three months into War College, and I am probably more confused than I was when I first began. It's been said many times that ignorance is bliss-- it's true. My faith was so much simpler when I did not have to wrestle with the issue of holiness, or whether or not insite is a good idea or not. When I first began WAr College, I was a bit of a debater. At times I still am, but generally, I have found that arguing theology, christology, and a number of other "ology's" only leaves me feel more confused. Not to say that debating such things is bad. Most definatly not! But, you see, I was expecting to some how find God, or even truth, in the countless debates, but I never did. They never caused me to healthely question my faith, rather they only distracted me from the most important things.
Then there are the things that do strengthen my faith, for one reason or another. Like the way light bounces of of objects. Or the human thumbprint. Or the way that pigeons interact ( I see ALOT of pigeons ). Or... the sky. Spending time just sitting in awe of things such as these draws me so closely into God's arms. Perhaps this means that I don't have answers to every question, I'm finally ok with that.

Seaguls and stars

I have a strange fondness for seagulls. Something in the way that they ride on the wind and the way they stand so starkly white agaist a blue sky. It wasn't always this what however. I remember quite vividly sitting around the big old fir tree in the school yard, while my close friend announced that, if she were an animal, she would be a seagull. It was the first time I had really taken much notice of the things. I had always grown up in the interior, where the only seagulls you saw where when you went to the dump... not so nice. However, since that moment I have been taking opportunities to observe them, and have definatly come to the conclusion that I am very fond of them. I spent a good hour just watching them at Crab tree park the other day. Honestly, God is just so good!! I just can't help praising him for all he has done. I am realizing that he desires me to take more joy in the gifts he has given me through nature. I dont take nearly as much time for them as i should, and I regret not having taken time to enjoy them before coming to Vancouver. Stars was the hardest thing to loose. I still see them once in awhile, but usually there are clouds, not to mention the MILLION city lights that drown them out. Oh, I really do love stars. There is something almost ominous about them. Hmm, perhaps that is similar to my relationship with God. I don't take much notice of him when i can see him all the time, but when i can't, I long for him. I feel ridiculous some nights when I joyously exclaim "I see a star!", as I point to a single, faint little light, twinkling in the sky. But even that little star makes me feel so much closer to God. It makes me remember what eternal really means, and what endless really describes. Mmm hmm... God is a good good God.

It's name is Fear.

Like many little one's blankets and teddy bears, I too had a constant companion as a child. It was not, however, a companion of comfort or warmth. It's name was Fear.

Obviously, it is not unusual for a child to have fears, something as simple as spiders or the dark can through many children into hysterics. But, I never did drop mine alongside the road, as many children do between childhood and teenage years. Suddenly it wasn't so much the dark that cause me to fear, although I admit I did not get entirely over that fear until just recently. Instead, the fear was of people, of life, of judgements.

So I lived with it. I saw others and taught myself to mimik, something that I now am fighting almost constantly. Unfortunatly, eventually I was mimiking too many people, and my "character" clashed against itself painfully. My life was a mess of desparatly trying to meet expectations, all the while trying to meet my own quota of teenage rebelliosness. I was a punch of pride and self hatred, a a tye-dye of timidity and aggresiveness, a web of wishful thinking and logic. (that sentance just left cheesy waaay begin) I loved to be competative, but only when know I would come out somewhere near the top, which, sadly, led to me doing very very few things in highschool.

And now here I am, 18, with not much of any idea who I actually am, and honestly not even sure who I'm not. But, the root, is gone. My old tag along has finally been dropped, and I am in good spirits, knowing that the result will most definatly be one which pleases my Lord.
Blessings,

Jordan