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And now, my dear ladies and gentlemen, I am about to entertain you with a rather cliche, and usually reflective blog on my experience of this past year.


My memory of the last day of 2006 is not one of clearness. I remember my soon-to-be- brother-in-law arrived from the US that evening, and I remember standing on the frosty deck, waving a sparkler around, and -- for pity sake would they stop hitting those silly pots!-- my head was pounding...

Not exactly a very exciting way to begin the new year. Oddly enough, although the "calling in" wasn't outstanding, the year itself has been one of many thing... all in immense quantities. Many new experiences, many tears, many battles, many victories, many defeats, many friends come, many friends gone, many masks, and many moments in which I realized what it means to live. Unfortunately, also, many moments in which I realized what it means to live a dead life.

I used to live in a nice big blue house. Not anymore. I used to walk 20 minutes to school (almost) everyday. Not anymore. I used to spend my days in a classroom, trying painfully hard to be smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, and ______(fill in the blank) enough. Not anymore.

I'm excited --or maybe just over tired-- for this year to begin. Part of me is scared, actually most of me is scared... just as most of me is tired ;)Anyways...

Thanks, Lord, it's been a good year... now, let's do this allll over agian!

A Rather Overdue Apology

I can't believe the last time I blogged (before today) was back in November! I definitely have not kept up the "blogging at least once a week". Funny though, I titled this blog "Forget me not", and yet, in the past few months, I feel like I have forgotten. That past sentence was supposed to have something specific that I had forgotten, but as I paused to find the right words, I realized that there are a number of phrases that belonged in that place. I've forgotten what it feels like to walk to school, and the way the hallways smell. I've forgotten why I cared so much what letter I got on that all-important piece of paper, and why it mattered so much that I wasn't as pretty/smart/funny/talented as so many others. I have forgotten.

I was about to say I had forgotten myself, who I had been in highschool. But then it came back: I was a mimik, a shape shifter, a very insecure teenager trying to be anything and everything she saw that was good. I'm still like that, I'm sure. I still irritate myself by how quickly I pick up the habits of others, and how easily I fall into fads. But, I suppose, I'll grow out of that.

So, the point of this being, I'll try to blog more, so much as for you as for myself.

The Problem With Perfect

They all seem to end the same: music plays softly in the background as they embrace and *sigh* they kiss (finally) as the screen fades to black and the credits begin to roll.

I enjoy a chick flick as much as the next girl; any movie that can suck your brain out of your skull and stick it into a perfect, polished world where "happily ever after" is never far away, definatly deserves some appaulse. But, what about after the screen fades? (For those of you rolling your eyes and thinking that I'm about to be terribly sinical... don't click that 'X' button quite yet). Falling in love isn't that great! Theres no soft glow, theres no violin music, and evenually after the first kiss is over, and after you've said your 'I do's', theres still life. You still have to wake up next to them day after day. You have to share a bathroom with them, eat with them, sleep with them, and organize your life around them. I'm not about to say whether this is worth it or not-- I'm undecided on that point. However, since I suffer from the terminal illness of desiring to get married... then I very much hope that it is worth it. I very much hope that even after 5, 10, or 50 years, I will be able to look back and know that every tear I cried for that person, and that every dream I gave up for that person, was entirely worth it.


I started this wanting to get very angry at the media for not captivating people with a longing to love, not just fall in love. However, at this particular moment, I'm rather happy they don't. After doing such an excellent job at warping the idea of "falling in love", I'm sure they would do an even better job of warping "love" in terms of a real commited relationship. So, thanks Disney, and Universal Studios, and all the rest for not spoiling this too. ;)

A million twinkling lights

There are a millions twinkling lights, and a thousand beating hearts, and a hundred glowng spirits. And yet we all are in hiding. WE hide behind ourselves, our own problems, our beautiful buildings, our psycology. Why can't we see what is staring us right in the face? Why do we not care? Why do we ignore the cries of the oppressed? Why do we trample upon the faces of those starving, those in slavary, those in poverty. Do we even know what it is like to live for something, let alone DIE for something? We will work for things.. yes. We will work for a better house, a nicer car, and a nicer sofa set to put in our house. And yet I am so much a part of it. I like nice things, and nice clothes, and buying CD's. Not that those are bad things. But how, HOW can I do those things when innocent children die EVERY DAY from preventable causes? I disgust myself. I am so ashamed to call myself a follower of Jesus. Jesus would not be living as I am... no...

Theology and Thumbprints

Nearly three months into War College, and I am probably more confused than I was when I first began. It's been said many times that ignorance is bliss-- it's true. My faith was so much simpler when I did not have to wrestle with the issue of holiness, or whether or not insite is a good idea or not. When I first began WAr College, I was a bit of a debater. At times I still am, but generally, I have found that arguing theology, christology, and a number of other "ology's" only leaves me feel more confused. Not to say that debating such things is bad. Most definatly not! But, you see, I was expecting to some how find God, or even truth, in the countless debates, but I never did. They never caused me to healthely question my faith, rather they only distracted me from the most important things.
Then there are the things that do strengthen my faith, for one reason or another. Like the way light bounces of of objects. Or the human thumbprint. Or the way that pigeons interact ( I see ALOT of pigeons ). Or... the sky. Spending time just sitting in awe of things such as these draws me so closely into God's arms. Perhaps this means that I don't have answers to every question, I'm finally ok with that.

Seaguls and stars

I have a strange fondness for seagulls. Something in the way that they ride on the wind and the way they stand so starkly white agaist a blue sky. It wasn't always this what however. I remember quite vividly sitting around the big old fir tree in the school yard, while my close friend announced that, if she were an animal, she would be a seagull. It was the first time I had really taken much notice of the things. I had always grown up in the interior, where the only seagulls you saw where when you went to the dump... not so nice. However, since that moment I have been taking opportunities to observe them, and have definatly come to the conclusion that I am very fond of them. I spent a good hour just watching them at Crab tree park the other day. Honestly, God is just so good!! I just can't help praising him for all he has done. I am realizing that he desires me to take more joy in the gifts he has given me through nature. I dont take nearly as much time for them as i should, and I regret not having taken time to enjoy them before coming to Vancouver. Stars was the hardest thing to loose. I still see them once in awhile, but usually there are clouds, not to mention the MILLION city lights that drown them out. Oh, I really do love stars. There is something almost ominous about them. Hmm, perhaps that is similar to my relationship with God. I don't take much notice of him when i can see him all the time, but when i can't, I long for him. I feel ridiculous some nights when I joyously exclaim "I see a star!", as I point to a single, faint little light, twinkling in the sky. But even that little star makes me feel so much closer to God. It makes me remember what eternal really means, and what endless really describes. Mmm hmm... God is a good good God.

It's name is Fear.

Like many little one's blankets and teddy bears, I too had a constant companion as a child. It was not, however, a companion of comfort or warmth. It's name was Fear.

Obviously, it is not unusual for a child to have fears, something as simple as spiders or the dark can through many children into hysterics. But, I never did drop mine alongside the road, as many children do between childhood and teenage years. Suddenly it wasn't so much the dark that cause me to fear, although I admit I did not get entirely over that fear until just recently. Instead, the fear was of people, of life, of judgements.

So I lived with it. I saw others and taught myself to mimik, something that I now am fighting almost constantly. Unfortunatly, eventually I was mimiking too many people, and my "character" clashed against itself painfully. My life was a mess of desparatly trying to meet expectations, all the while trying to meet my own quota of teenage rebelliosness. I was a punch of pride and self hatred, a a tye-dye of timidity and aggresiveness, a web of wishful thinking and logic. (that sentance just left cheesy waaay begin) I loved to be competative, but only when know I would come out somewhere near the top, which, sadly, led to me doing very very few things in highschool.

And now here I am, 18, with not much of any idea who I actually am, and honestly not even sure who I'm not. But, the root, is gone. My old tag along has finally been dropped, and I am in good spirits, knowing that the result will most definatly be one which pleases my Lord.
Blessings,

Jordan

What is unseen.

Look around for a moment.

What do you see? What price would you put on it?

It baffles me that God calls us to "set our eyes on what is unseen and not what is seen". He calls us to go agianst the grain in a very revolutionary way. Honestly, you cant read that, and honestly say that you are following it without standing out in a croud. *** Oh, side note... Jesus is contravertial, revolutionary, and weird. Therefore, if you don't fit that definition, you might want to ask the Lord where he wants you to give another part of yourself to him.*** Not only does he tell us to focus on what is unseen though, he explains why (i do love it when he does that). Its because the unseen things are the things that are going to last for eternity! The city that is going to come at the end is going to be one with an eternal foundation. The things you see around you; money, cars, houses, buisnesses, hobbies, even the ocean and the sky, all these things will pass away, and if you are holding unto them and only them, you'll fall too. I'll fall too.


I am really asking God to show me what parts of the world I am holding onto too tightly, and what parts of eternity I am not holding onto tight enough. I do warn you though, only ask such questions if you are ready to deal with the answer (because he WILL give an answer).



Grace.

A look at the past...

These are entires I have written in previous years....

Right now...

Sorry, I kinda just want to go off about Ecc. 3:1, it has been a increadible verse for me in the past week or so. Lately I have been getting indescribably stressed with school, S.L.A.C. and the whole idea of my "future". Seriously, the classes I am taking now, effect the rest of my life! I'm ***16*** I dont want that kinda of responsibility! But here I am, grinning and baring it... ANYWAYS what I was saying... There is a tme for EVERYTHING, thats huge, think of the expanse of things that fit into "everything"... there is a time to go to school, to do homework, to relax, to hang out with friends, to be with family, to have friends, to be lonely, to have a boyfriend, to be single, to act like a kid, to grow up, to face the world head on, and of course, to run away and hide. I guess i am gonna get all odd and write a list of all the things i think right now is a time for (for me that is): a time to learn from every situation, a time to choose where I am going, a time to let go of somethings, a time to hold on to others, a time to experience unlimited possiblities, and a time to use my last grains of childhood. Alrighty so ignore the cheezyness of this, alright?


this is the link to a blog that I had before this one if you want to look at that.. jsut s you know


http://descendant.lifewithchrist.org/index.html

Dead lives.

I wait in longing for life to start. As if all time stands on the edge of a cliff, waiting to jump-- to fly. But somewhere, I lost life in the continual passing of seconds and minutes, days and weeks, months and years. A part of me felt incomplete. As if I had forgotten an essential organ somewhere, or perhaps, not forgotten. Rather, I never had it to start with. And then, for a season, this undefinable space was filled. Unfortunatly, in the process of filling of that part of myself, I lost everything else. Why I needed that part of me so terribly, to the point of sacrificing every other part of me, I do not know.
Then, the season ended, and once again I was alone. The hole inside me had become an open grave, just waiting to swallow me up. I tip toed my way around that grave for years. Sometimes I was ready to fall right in, but something held me back. (Thanks Lord).



But God does more than keep us from dying... he keeps us from living dead lives.



Living here, and living one, has made me an expert on dead lives. Every person I pass could easily be thrown into the box labelled "walking dead". Don't think of this as a judgement. I don't intend it to be at all, what I am saying is this: the lives that these people live contain no life. Part of me wants to join them in their pointless existance, but only when all things seem helpless. And in such times, I am still reminded, that though things SEEM helpless, they most definatly are not.
What I am trying to say is this: I am guilty of living a dead life. A friend presented this quote to me, "Is the life you are living worth Jesus dying for?" I would argue, that at this point... no. I'll let you know when that gets fixed.

City Lights...

The sunset was beautiful tonight. I have been terribly tired with all the coming and going lately, so I slept from 3 until 6:30 this evening, and woke up just in time to see the sunset; orange and pink swirls, twisting up from the jagged city sky line. Then you can see the lights. Every building overflows with light that shines out into the cold darkness. The thing is, you don't see the lights in the day time. The buildings can, depeding on one's opinion, look rather lovely during the day also, however, they are best gazed upon at night... when everything glows. This, truely is beautiful.
However. Over the weekend Jessica and I set up a prayer station on the beach, and were delighted to be able to use a handful of tiki tourches. A number of them were set up around the logs, where one of the main parts of the station was, but then one was set alone down by the water. Now, this was beyond beautiful... it was drawing.
What we were having the kids do was wash off their hands in the water. At first this seemed to be a simple task, but when the tide went out, leaving ankle deep mudd, I was forced to lead the groups across the rocky beach a ways. It was in that time that I truly realized the importance of light. It was in that time, and in this time of reflection that I now truly understand, that when there is no light, there is darkness.
Understand this: I am not saying that a light shawn amoung many lights is not useful, most definatly it is. What I am suggesting is this; that there are still places left in complete darkness. Christ calls us to be lights, and I believe we are so surrounded by light all the time, that we forget what it is like to walk in darkness. We forget what darkness is all together, and doing so, we forget to go out, and look for the dark places, into which we are called to bring light.

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house." Matthew 5:14-15


Grace,
Jordan

Something to say I suppose....

I'm not sure what I am going to blog about, I really am not sure. I wish I were back in Mr. Birds writing 12 class when I could write complete nonsense for a full 15 minutes without anything to get in my way... but alas...
I realized the other day that this really is my home for now... wow, what a revelation!!! I started franticaly cleaning things and putting pictures up etc. ha ha. I ever put my bright orange saraong (spelling?) on the side of the bunk bed to give me more privacy. Oh, and I put curtains up that my mom gave me when I was at home for thanksgiving. It feels strange to think that I have already been here a month, but stranger still to think I will be here for another 11 months!
But now, on a more serious level... we are looking at F/M texts in the bible (by that I mean parts that were written by males, and parts that were written by females). Its actually intensely interesting, and has caused me to look very differently at the role of women in the Bible. hmmm, this is an awful way of ending this, so please forgive me :)

Lonlliness...

I have come to realize that living incarnationally in itself will automatically throw in a number of other incarnatonal aspects. One of the major problems faced by people in the DTES (downtown east side) is lonliness. It is in fact one of the root causes for many addicts here. It should not have come as a surprise then, when I was overcome with a deep, aching lonliness last night during my prayer room shift. It did, however, take me entirely off guard, an it took alot of prayer and a bit of frustration before I realized that the feelings I was experiencing were not infact my own. I am still learning slowly about a number of my spiritual giftings, and intercession is one that is very foreign to me.
However, I praise God even now for this feeling of lonliness and emptyness, because it is through this that I will be better equipped to minister to those experiencing the same things (by that I mean 99% of the DTES' population). Just a thought, and perhaps something you can pray if you remember me in yoru prayers: for me to have the strength not to let emotions or feelings get in the way of me doing God's work.

Grace,

Jordan

Life in the Geto... an introduction my life...

It's Saturday, praise God, and I have nothing terribly pressing that I have to do. I've already gotten used to my new home. Oh yes, perhaps I should let you know what "new home" actally implies. Well, I live on the 7th floor of the Empress Hotel. If the name "Empress Hotel" brings visions of the grand hotel in Victoria, with the queen sitting quaintly sipping tea... think again. The Empress Hotel I am livng in is far, far from the Victoria one. It is placed almost exactly on the corner of Maine an Hastings street, Vancouver. Honestly, I am in no position to complain, and I haven't yet. Though late at night, I have wished that they would get the elivator working, so I wouldn't have to climb the 7 flights of stairs. And I have infact wished that the toilet in my room actually worked, so I wouldn't have to go down the two flights to the otehr girls' room. But no matter, this is what incarnational living is all about, isn't it? Not to mention I am going to have amazing calf muscles after this year ha ha.
What else can I tell you? I'm afraid people keep asking, "How is it going there", which is infact a hard question. Honestly, if we are asking about the DTES, its terrible. I walk by hundreds of people every day who are binded with chains of addiction, lonliness, and mental/physical disibilities. It sucks. But what is worse is this: I'm getting used to it. I walk down the street and forget that this isn't normal. That you don't usually see people sleeping in doorways, or injecting heroine, or walking down the street completely whacked out. And yet, I myself am doing fine. I'm getting a bit of a cold, but other than that I am healthy. I'm not in dire need of anything right now other than laundry detergent, so I should probably go on a little shopping adventure to Army and Navy for that.
I've been meeting alot of people, (over 50 locals), and am actually very excited that we got a 22 year old kid outa here and back to Seashelt (his hometown). He'd only been down here for 4 or 5 days and hated it. It was awesome to watch as the 614 community accepted him and mentored him for the couple days before they took him back to Seashelt (the guys were going that way for a mens conference anyways, so it worked out perfectly).
We actually had an assignment to meet 50 people, which was alot easier than I expected! It also got us to step out and be friendly. The girls living in the Empress went around door to door with cookies to "meet our new neighbors". It was really good. We met a bunch of very friendly people, including a woman named Darcy, and her very fat, very nice cat named Tom.
As far as classes are conerned, I am very excited. We are taking classes on a number of different things such as Biblical interpretation, Greek (that's an extra I am takng just cause I want to haha), School of Justice (we do a major semester long project on justice, attacking some sort of injustice we see around us), Basic spiritual warfare with a crazy world famous speaker, Evangelizm, Drill (aka PE), and Spiritual Basics. I'm very excited about all of them.
A bit on me, hmm. WEll lately I have been very very convicted to read the Bible, and memorize the Bible alot more. I realized that I have wanted so long to do missions as a life long "career", and yet I have not even read the entire Bible! Pathetic, isn't it? God's also been working on some major things I have always dealt with, including understanding his Fatherly heart, and dealing with my struggle with fear (something I have dealth with my entire life). Along with that, He is continually reminding of who I am in him.
Well, I have a nuber of other things I've got todo before I loose this internet connection (its extremely weak).
God bless you all! Email me if you have any prayer requests etc.

Love in Christ Jesus,


Jordan