Temptations to NOT stay put.

I am rather restless these days. I spend a great deal of time looking up ticket prices... most places cost between 800 and 1500 USD to go to. I can do that, but the problem is... will I? I know very well that school is a definite option. Part of me even thinks it is the one I SHOULD be choosing... but alas, the world is so big and exciting, so full of adventures just waiting to be had. And then I feel guilty. Are these not words of a rather selfish heart, seeking after selfish ambitions? I really wish my desires where the same as those of the Lord, that my passion was for souls. Maybe it is and I am just not aware of it... I don't know.
The greatest problem at this point is that I want something to support myself while I am away from Canada. Which means I must go to school. Darn it. It always comes back to me going to school, doesn't it? It's not that school is bad, I mean, I truly think I will enjoy it a great deal. It's just... commiting to that long in a program that scares me.

Dealing with my Girlishness.

I'm not one for flowers or chocolates, valentines day or romance novels... at least, I try not to be. The truth is, I am in fact very much like every other 18 year old girl... and I hate it.
I hate that I love Titanic, and Roman Holiday.
I hate that my heart actually beats a little faster when I think of a certain fellow.
I hate that I check my hair in windows sometimes.
I hate that I really do desire a relationship.
I hate that I want to an epic love story, just like every other girl.
I hate that knowing a guy is thinking about me makes me blush.
I hate that having others know I am thinking about a fellow makes me blush.
I hate that I still get crushes on lads I hardly know at all.
I hate that I am vulnerable.

However...

I don't necessarily hate being a girl... it's just the accessories I am not crazy about.

Things are rather complicated.

I'm not entirely sure when everything began to be so complicated. Perhaps it has always been this way, and I have just been unaware, or perhaps as people grow up, their lives become more and more complex.
I'm just tired of dull aches in my stomach, and tired of wanting to slap myself as I watch myself do the most ridiculous things. I just... do badly want to get out of here. I don't know where I want to go. I just want to be somewhere else. I suppose you could say I am running. I am aware that I am running, I am just unsure what it is that I am running from. Like I said, rather complicated. I want to live, and just live fully. I don't seem to even sip at life, let alone guzzle it down. Ah well... I am sure this too will pass.